Tonight I bought a new planner. My old one was just looking decreped. So as I was writing the future plans on future dates, I started to thumb backward and notice all the things and days that had gone by. Now, for sure this wasn't my first time doing this, but these days had special significance b/c they were my days in Thailand. Beautiful, peaceful, awesome Thailand...and I don't want to throw away the little date book b/c I feel like it would symbolically be throwing away a year of my life. Sigh.
Tonight I cried to my mother. I cried to my mother b/c I got really irratated with her and snapped at her. I am such a jerk. Father, I'm such a jerk and I don't want to treat people poorly like that - but my flesh is so weak. Lord, I respect and love my mother. I want to be married. I'm not fixated on it, but its a desire of my heart. I have a huge fear that I will treat my husband like that. I have a huge fear that I dont deserve a husband or that no one respectable will marry me b/c I'm overweight, have adult acne, am balding and am just plain ugly. Lord, I am not worthy of love. I realized it tonight, I'm 100% honestly not worthy of your love. I'm not worthy of the love you or anyone else gives me. I'm sorry that I take it for granted. There's this place in my heart that longs to read his eloquent emails and to know that he likes and respects me for my heart and might even think I'm beautiful. God, I bow with my face down on the ground and beg for your love to be poured out. I need friends. I need companionship, I would really really like a boyfriend that I can respect and honor and cherish. I would like for it to be Jeff. The timing now seems great...I'm just going to keep walking in it until you close the door. God you're good and you've always guided me in awesome ways in the past and I trust you to continue guiding me in the future. I really do like Jeff though - Lord, I am begging you for more than I can ask or even imagine. I am begging you for my heart's desire, and I'm begging you for a man that I can say to my friends "I feel like we were made for each other" sigh. Deep breath...